Breastfeeding vs Bottle feeding

Well of course, hands down, breastfeeding is the best. There’s nothing that comes close to it. It’s the best food for baby, always sterile, always available, completely free etc etc etc. But I am not breastfeeding. And I don’t plan to.

I struggled to breastfeed Ayub for 3 weeks until I realized he was underweight, starving and in pain. And I will never forgive myself for being such a dumbass and listening to other people, succumbing to the pressure of breastfeeding. I knew he wasn’t latching on properly. I knew he was crying because he was hungry. But I persisted because everyone else told me to. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid me. I switched to pumping and bottle feeding when Ayub was a month old and he became the happiest, fattest, loveliest baby that ever lived.

Ayub aged around 5 months

With Sulaiman I wanted to breastfeed succesfully. I watched videos. I read articles. But before he was due to arrive, I bought a bottle, just in case. In the hospital, after he was born, the nurse brought him to me and told me to breastfeed him. He couldn’t latch on correctly. On both sides. We were there for a total of 12 hours. By the end of it, my nipples were cracked and sore and hurt so badly.

Thankfully we were discharged and I fed him formula when we got home.

Last week he managed to latch on properly on my right breast. So for 48 hours we breastfed. And then we just sorta lost it. And the latch was poor again. And the nipple bled again. It became stressful and painful and frustrating. All the feelings I had when Ayub was little. I began to dread Sulaiman’s cries, because I didn’t want to feed him. So now I pump. And he drinks. And we’re happy.

No guilt this time. The most important thing is that baby and mama are happy, comfortable and healthy, and there’s a baby belly full of milk.

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Laila Zain

Laila is a working mama who married young, had two beautiful boys, went through a shitty divorce, met an amazing man, remarried, and had a beautiful girl. Her eldest boy is a rainbow baby and special needs child. Her second is ridiculously smart. Her baby is a baby.

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