Ayub Turns 10 And Hits More Complex Milestones In Emotional Regulation

This post is about Ayub’s growth with regards to emotional regulation, one of his biggest weaknesses.

Last year, Ayub hit a massive milestone when he had his first birthday party ever. While that may not be unusual for neurotypical kids, for an autistic individual to make social connections and have real friends, this was huge for us.

This year, we kept things a little more low-key (awww Loki I crai 4 u).

Since leaving Acton KL, Ayub hasn’t been able to make those same connections and friendships (Acton is the best). So I brought a birthday cake to his new school to celebrate with his classmates instead.

Milestone #1: birthday cake at school

So an interesting thing happened. I wanted to bring a birthday cake to Ayub’s school so he could celebrate with his friends. He asked for Pokemon. I ordered Pokemon. He likes Pokemon.

At school, we opened the cake box with all his friends and Ayub was like 😀. But some of the kids immediately made a face and were like “EWWWW you like Pokemon?! Omg that’s so lame. I can’t believe you like Pokemon!”

Like. RUDE. Hello.

But the interesting thing for me was how Ayub reacted.

Three years ago when he was being assessed for autism, one of the things that stood out the most was his incredibly low emotional intelligence which led to an inability to react “appropriately” in social situations.

When he was shown a series of facial expressions on flash cards, he only labelled four emotions: happy, sad, angry, and “nothing.”

When he was shown an illustration of a little girl who was isolated, looking defeated, and surrounded by other children who were obviously whispering about her or openly teasing her, Ayub concluded that the children were playing.

When he was shown an illustration of a parent smiling with their arms crossed, looking at a child who was grinning with a cookie hidden behind their back, Ayub concluded that the adult was very angry.

Three years ago if some kids had made fun of him or his cake, he would have overreacted in anger. No doubt. It would have triggered a meltdown, led to shouting and tears, and just an overall Ayub shutdown. It has happened.

But today, Ayub brushed off the comments with a “oh yeah, I like Pokemon. It’s not my favourite but I like it.”

Just like that. For the record, he fucking LOVES Pokemon and why shouldn’t he, it’s awesome. But anyway, I’m super proud of him for handling that so effortlessly.

I know it’s a small thing for other people. But for me, for Ayub, it’s huge.

Happy birthday Ayub!

Just cute pictures of Aisha with her Ah Ma at Ayub’s Japanese birthday lunch

This intermission is brought to you by the cuteness overload of a soon-to-be 3 year old munchkin.

Milestone #2: rainbow cake and cousins

My late sister, Maria, and I always wanted our kids to be close. But it was difficult because when Ayub was little, we didn’t know he had special needs.

As a teeny-weeny, Ayub would get SO excited to see his cousins and because he didn’t understand how to control his emotions, it would quickly escalate to sprinting around the house screaming and pushing people and jumping on people and generally getting too aggressive.

Yeah. He got aggressively excited.

Poor little dude.

He was also super fast and incredibly strong (still is) so his cousins were kinda scared of him too.

It was hard for Ayub to play with other kids, including his cousins. But now, at the age of 10, he and his cousins are pretty much besties.

Between Maria and I, we have 10 kids (and 1 bonus baby from her husband’s second marriage after she passed away) between the ages of 0 to 13 years old.

Out of those 10, eight of them are boys.

I love watching them play together. It’s madness. And chaos. And teamwork. And kinship. And love.

Anyway, we had rainbow cake and KFC and it was awesome.

Oh, both cakes were custom made by Batter be Belle. Go buy. So cute. Thanks.

Milestone #3: one month after the birthday

One of the best things about taking the time and making the effort to give someone a really special gift is seeing their response. The surprise, the way their face lights up, the smile they just can’t control. It makes us, the gifter, feel happy that they’re happy, you know what I mean?

So, in January, Mr Ninja and I pooled our money to buy a secondhand PS4 for Ayub. It was a good deal but still pretty pricey. Mr Ninja drove out at night after work to meet the dude, to test it, then buy it.

He spent the next two nights setting it up and downloading games while the kids were asleep. Finally it was wrapped and hidden away until Ayub’s birthday. We were excited to give it to him.

And so the day came and Ayub unwrapped his present. Me and Mr Ninja grinning like monkeys. Sulaiman was literally bouncing around with his fists clenched in anticipation as he exclaimed, “OHMYGOD I’M SO EXCITEDDDD!”

Completely deadpan and emotionless, Ayub says, “oh, it’s a PlayStation.” And that was it.

Not the reaction we expected but the kids have been enjoying playing video games on it since, so it’s ok.

It’s been over a month since his birthday, and yesterday, out of the blue, Ayub said this to me:

“Mama, when I get presents, I don’t really know how to act because I don’t have any emotions. I’m not happy… But I’m not angry or sad. I’m just fine. I don’t know how to explain it… I don’t have emotions. I’m just… fine.”

What a great insight to autism.

I love that Ayub thought about this for a month, perhaps realising he missed out on a social cue, that he was supposed to have “a bigger reaction.” I love that he tried to explain it to me, in his very straightforward way, so perhaps I would understand him better?

Ultimately, I love knowing that Ayub is, in fact, just fine.

Milestone #4: explaining his emotions in everyday settings

So Ayub is still pretty much set to his default emotions: happy, angry, sad, and “nothing.”

The truth is, he hasn’t really changed that much. It’s actually me (and family around us) that has grown the most to understand him better.

Before this, I would keep pushing him to explain how he felt, what emotion he was feeling, the thoughts running through his head. And he would get upset and frustrated and angry, continually repeating “I don’t know! I don’t know!”

And he was absolutely right. He didn’t know. Because he doesn’t have the same emotional range as a neurotypical person. I don’t know why this mattered to me before, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I feel like such an asshole, trying to fit this superstar into my square mold.

Nowadays if something happens and I ask him how he feels about it, he’ll just say, “I don’t have any emotions about this.” And I get it.

Happy birthday my beautiful boy

May you forever be true to yourself, and patient with the rest of the world as we catch up to understand you.