1.Don’t get pregnant

Best advice ever. Want to never ever feel the horrors of morning sickness? Have no interest at all in all-day nausea, puking your guts out at all hours of the day and night, gagging at the smell of perfume, soap, food, coffee, or anything normal? Use a condom.

Don’t fall for all the cute baby pictures you see everywhere! THEY ARE A LIE. If you find yourself looking at a bebe and starting to go “aww…” immediately add “HELL NO” to the end so it becomes “awwwHELL NO!”

2. You don’t feel better after you puke, you only feel worse

Not necessarily a tip. Sorry. I don’t care. Unlike feeling better after puking when you have food poisoning, morning sickness puking just renders you even sicker. Yeah. Condoms are your friend.

3. Stay close to a toilet

Duh.

4. Don’t lie down

Lying down makes me feel even worse. Like all the nausea just pushes up when I lie down. So I sleep on like 2 or 3 big pillows, kinda sitting up. It helps a bit.

5. Avoid car parks

I’ve puked in many car parks from the stench. Ugh. Smells SO BAD immediate bleurgh.

6. Avoid elevators

Especially if there are women inside. Women smell the worst. It’s all the perfume. Especially well-dressed corporate kinda women that wear sensible heels and boring jewellery. They stink.

7. Avoid all smelly humans, especially children

My kids stink. Sulaiman stinks the least. Ayub is always sweaty and smelly. Aisha is just so stinky and gross. Yuck. I side-eye her and say, “you’re so smelly.” And she looks at me seriously, scrunches up her nose, and says, “oh so smelly! Yucky poo poo!” Yes Aisha, you are yucky poo poo. Mr Ninja has taken over bathing and poop cleaning duties in the evenings.

8. Walking sometimes helps

Fresh air and movement. Good.

9. Walking sometimes doesn’t help

Bad air and movement. Bad.

10. Soup is your friend… most of the time

Clear soup comes up easy. Bits of veggie not so much.

11. Meat is not… all of the time

Forever traumatised by eating a delicious steak when I was pregnant with Sulaiman, only to retch and gag and barf up chunks of meat a couple hours later.

12. Mangoes are the yummiest things to puke up

Mmmm… still so soft and sweet. Last week I puked up a banana. It was terrible. EXTREMELY PAINFUL. And the aftertaste was disgusting. Last night I puked up dragonfruit. It comes out hot pink. Super cool. Just slush, no chunks. Doesn’t taste so great. Mangoes are the winner.

13. Drink lots of liquids slowly

Drink too fast and you’ll puke straightaway. Drink too slow and puking will be super painful because you’ll be straight up coughing up solids. Just the right amount of warm water will give you a more pleasant spray-like experience.

14. Surround yourself with amazing people

I have Gowri at work, making me tea, filling my water bottle, checking on me, and being lovely all the time. At home, Mr Ninja has taken over everything so I don’t have to do anything. And the kids are wonderful. Helping take tissues for me to clean myself up. Brushing my hair because I’m too sick to do it myself. Massaging my back. Giving me hugs. Rubbing my head. And saying, “awww poor Mama” a lot.

It’s the worst. But also, kinda the best. No. It’s the worst. But it’s worth it. Have fun morning sicknessing. Hopefully it won’t last the whole pregnancy. Even if it does, it’ll definitely end once you push that giant baby out your vagina. Good luck.